amberrenee92

05:25 pm: As fall turns to winter in my mind
The air has started to cool and tiny hairs prick from the back of my neck. The flowers dull in the most beautiful of ways as if a dream mist has fallen over to protect them from frost. The trees shake in the night casting a web of shadows in my window. The shadows mask my skin. I sit up at night and watch the mists of autumn glide over the sky. The moon shines illuminating crevices of dark and i observe the true night life. In the night things are right with the world. It is as if nature and I are one. The wind tells me of it's travels, enticing my sweet craving for adventure. the sun rises ever so slowly barely lighting the day. I can wake into a breeze blown world where the trees guide me and the birds sing to me. I can hide in my coats and watch the people, watch their hair blow wild, watch their tears well up in their eyes, watch life as it is. I can slip into warm sheets at night and dream. I can roll onto my side and see your face so close and we can touch lips and hands and bodies to warm us. I can turn over and still believe you are there beside me to protect my fragile heart from the winter wind. I can wake up and repeat.

11:26 pm: im afraid
of the future, im brave enough to admit
for my past is close behind making sure i can never forget
the memories are like a patchwork quilt
like a flower in mid november flaunting her wilt

sleep stirs this turmoil, adds silver strands of worry to a calm dream scape
by morning a shining stream of patience has run dry
and i
must dig with soft clean hands, sift through brown slush
to find this jewel and calm the rush.

12:35 am: tenessee song
The air was cold and the strong wind burned my nose and eyes, but I ignored my running nose and frozen fingertips and boarded the train. My eyes scanned the surroundings as I stepped onto the platform and the stainless steel sides of the train glistened in the mid morning sunlight. The pine trees littering the white blanket of snow shimmered for they were laden with ice crystals. It was a wonderland of beauty, a picture perfect winter scene. I closed my eyes and turned my head to the doorway of the aisle I was to sit in. A man in a red coat interrupted my thoughts. "'scuse me miss, I need your ticket." he crossed his arms and scowled impatiently. I handed him the ticket and searched for a seat. I took a seat next to a sleeping woman and opened my wornout brown pleather suitcase. Seeing the barren inside made me wonder why I had brought it in the first place. Perhaps it was to make me feel important, like I might actually have a plan and a place to go. That I had a suitcase full of nice warm clothes and I would be home for the holidays in some comfy bed. In reality I was questioning why I had come in the first place. I decided against thinking so much and tried to clear my troubled head. I closed my eyes, resting my head on the lumpy head of the seat. As soon as my eyes were shut I sensed the sadness in the air. The air was thick and unsatisfying. I almost choked upon breathing in. Unable to sleep like the lucky souls of half the train, I began to search the crevices of my empty suitcase. At least I thought it was empty. My hands happened upon something in the corner of the case. It was a note folded tight and snug. I picked it up and began opening it carefully. The handwriting was familiar and my mind tried hard to focus, but memories of his smile consumed my thoughts. I wanted to tear the paper to pieces. I wanted to throw the bits out of the window. I knew I couldn't read the note. I knew I couldn't stay here. I had to leave, I had to escape the normalcy of life. I needed a change and I had to leave love behind. Only love wouldn't let me leave. I couldn't take my mind off the note. I opened the note which read: "When you're ready to come home again, i'll be waiting up. But please don't be too long. You know I never meant to make you lonesome." and as I folded the note with tears stinging my eyes I realized the train hadn't left the station. I ran off without hesitation, forgetting the suitcase and drove home to my waiting love.

06:18 pm: hi
I hear you whisper from the treetops
My breath quickens and heart stops
I call to you to come back to me
I have wondered for three years where you could be

I've tried to burn the memories of bad days in my brain
but thoughts of you in a dirty hospital bed will always remain
They took your will, they took your sense and finally stole you away
You forgot my name and existence, oh curse the day

Daddy where are you, what do you see?
Do you even remember me?
Theres snakes on the floor, up the walls
you say, you watch them slither on our daily phone calls

You were my god but I saw the tears fall as you cried
When your strength was shattered my fantasy broke and died
It was too cold that fateful morning to open my sleep heavy eyes
Mom flew out the door at 4 in the morning, I woke hours later holding back frustrated sighs

A ringing phone woke me
I was confused, what could it be?
An aunt was coming quickly bringing food and care
I wanted to ask what was happening but a part of me didn't dare

Soon a car pulled in and the door opened fast
Aunts and uncles came in with sullen faces, mother came last
Wet cheeks, red eyes, mouth moved, I couldn't hear
She spoke "daddy is in heaven" pulling brother and I near

As my clouded brain cleared and I understood the words she said
I wished more than anything to just drop dead
I miss you too much daddy, I search for your face in the sky
Each day I pretend to be okay but everyone knows that I lie

01:45 am: changing summer
summer's warm breathing on the back of our necks. change is upon us and to it i am defensless. we lay carefully intertwined under the bright sky the humidity soaking our bodies. we swim in the sweat of eachother tasting the salt in one anothers lips. summer is for changing. i try to escape, i drag you behind me as we run from the inevitable wave of change. i sleep with one eye open, protecting our love from change. i watch the waves rise and fall spreading out until they almost nip our bare toes. we cautiously watch the sun set. these worries make you tense and i become irritable. you kiss me just once before bed. we watch the famous summer nights pass by us too quickly. i havent heard your laugh for weeks now. one morning i wake up and you are not beside me. the waves are far out in the ocean. change is sneaky in that way. no matter how hard you try there is nothing you can do to make something last. everything good must come to an end so they say and change is the source.

06:42 pm: please dont do this
wishing for your voice to fill my ears, fill them till they are full, like those gray clouds bloated from the rain.
our moments together are all i have now. Our first kiss, your eyes in the firelight. it was like a first leap into a pool on the first day of summer. when the sun is high and bathes everything in a golden light. you were a new taste, a change for me. because i never knew someone quite like you. but we are nothing, you and i. a kiss was meaningless to u but such a welcomed gesture to me. now that youre gone i am walking around a useless mess. sitting on an unmade bed in the middle of a messy room watching the days pass through big curtainless windows. I watch sun rise orange rays bake my pale skin. I watch sun settle in the middle of a bright blue sky, watch the butterflies chase one another. the birds talk and talk and i try to understand. I listen to the door creak open, dont look at the worried woman's face as she asks where her daughter has gone to. a sweet child couldnt have changed into this blank statue. I see the trees sway in a blast of wind. the green blurs with the pink sky as the sun sets. another day gone, wasted. without love there is nothing to live for i have realized. because i live for the moments your lips press against mine. when your warm hands are around me. your eyes on my skin and my lips against your neck. when i am alone every shadow on the wall is you. every noise in this house is your voice whispering. i need you, i need you.

06:21 pm: change is the story of the world
Paper thin peach flowers laden with tiny droplets of water
I study you, absorb the surroundings
A leafy green world this is
I breathe in, exhale
Wait for you to make this dream real
The air is so cold it hurts to breathe, but it is as clean as a spring
The light breeze nips my cheeks, my eyes are moist
I float just above the bright green earth
A sudden blast of warm air and your arms are around me
Your lips brush my pink cheeks
We float together
Two years and a lifetime later...
Paper thin brown flowers, crumpled and dead
I touch, it falls
I absorb the surroundings
A desolate place this is
I breathe in, stop, cough out dull dusty air
I try not to wait for you, for I know you wont be coming
I lay on the hard ground, sinking into the earth
A sudden blast of cold air
Its just the wind wrapping its arms around me
It stings my cheeks
I lay alone
Change is the story of the world

05:51 pm: The only thing to learn from life is to guard your heart.
When I sit up at night, staring into the darkness and hearing the screeches of crickets from outside of my window, I try to remember.
I search my brain for a clear picture, Some memory to hold on to So ill know that it was real and i wasnt dreaming.
As hard as i try i cant see your face anymore.
Each second of when we once were is clouded and I struggle to sort real times from imaginary.
Maybe our love was a made up escape for me.
Where I could hide from reality in a warm embrace.
I could have someone to talk to besides the whistling air in my ears.
I could whisper to a soft body beside me in my bed.
If you were a dream of mine, you quickly became a nightmare.
Calm voices talking in the early morning hours became shouts loud enough to wake someone in a dead sleep.
where there once was a trail of saliva left from your mouth, It is now lined with blood and wet salty tears. A result of a fist gone awry.
I suffer from lack of sleep.
I cant take the chance of falling into a nightmare of you

11:14 pm: escape
Wind follows close behind, speaking softly to the back of my neck. kicking up the sea of dirt, my shoes following that trend as i run, run quickly. Wind screams to me, biting my nose, stopping the air on its path to my lungs. Pulling my hair out behind me. I ignore the best I can and run. Run from life. wind tells me to turn around, stop being a coward. But I just cant face sadness waiting at my doorstep. Ready to pounce and consume me as always. I cant face the tears and haze of the days any longer. Any light in my life has been locked out tight, shunned from this place I live. I tried to escape before. To swim to the bottom of the pool, to keep going until i reached the sea. But sadness found me and cut off my oxygen. I made a second escape attempt, planned each detail. I will run till i reach the mountains and green forests. I will run till I can breathe air so sweet I drink it down with a smile. I will escape

10:53 pm: 11:11
Ive lost love and gained so much more in an instant. Ive felt love on my neck from a boy's lips. Felt the trail of burning skin that kind of kiss leaves. I could compare the past week to every beautiful thing in this world. But it seems that all of my happiness is short lived. When you fall for someone it is a moment you cant take back, you cant forget about it, you cant reverse it. I have fallen into a new trap, a trap from a boy with eyes like the forest. Who shares my dreams, but doesnt know it. A boy who doesnt want me. A boy that I want so much. Why is all my happiness sadness in disguise? why must I pay dearly for one single day without the presence of tears? If this is the way of the world im not so sure I want to be a part of it. I am a ghost to this world. Lost in thought, lost in my dreaming. I am only  awakened when I open my head and write these words. Each day that I spend in your arms is a gift because you will be gone to me soon. My heart speeds and my eyes fight tears when I am away from you for a second. What will i do when we cannot speak anymore? I made a wish for you to stay beside me please come true.

04:29 pm: untitled

04:20 pm: Renee
 The sounds of your lips as they brush across mine. Tell me youll always love me, give me a sign. The lies and hurt ive caused can never be taken back. Give me a chance, teach me all that i lack. Ive only been longing for your hands on my waist. Remind me love, how good your lips taste. & never let me be cold in my bed with thoughts of your body filling my head. Take away my tears and bring back a smile. Help find the sparkle in my eyes, help it stay for a while. I cant live without you, I fear. Because youre the biggest part of me, youre everything i hold dear. Im so tired of feeling numb. I want you to come back to me, please come. Theres no cure for the pain im taking, while youre falling away from me im stuck in my body aching. please bring back Renee for just one more day.

04:06 pm: two weeks
 run with me into the gray...take me away from another sunny day, where i cant relate or begin to breathe, please take me in your arms and we will leave. run away into the sky, when you press against my lips i know i can fly.

03:53 pm: again
So here I am again, my feelings laid out in the open like the road kill on graves. The small furry dead creatures with their insides on display for the world to see. tiny livers, pink muscles like little pink flowers and their feeble bodies broken in two. I tell you my feelings and you lock yours deep inside and try so hard to forget the fact that you are human and you do hurt. C'mon and open your heart to me.  So I am here again, in this rut you put me in, trying to write out my feelings as though that might help.

01:28 pm: a silent scream

Hear me out. IF theres no chance we will ever be together again then tell me straight up and ill leave right now. IF theres a slight hope for our love to again flourish then tell me and ill show you what its like to be loved by the old amber. Please take off that old stubborn coat of yours. Its full of holes from the winter weather. Slip on this jacket of trust you hung up in your cluttered closet and forgot about for almost a year...good now slip it off and love me just love me

03:44 pm: 11

The wind blew quickly rustling the rusty colored leaves in the trees around me. The soft whistling sound the wind was making seemed to sing a sad song to me as I walked to my destination. It was cold, but not unbearable. The clouds had turned gray too quickly & the sprinkles of water on my cheeks seemed out of place. As i walked, my knee length black dress fluttered against my legs. I could feel the wind pick up and newly fallen leaves began swirling all around me. I heard a deep boom come from the sky just as the rain began to pound onto the cold ground. I could hear the rain getting louder and feel the water seeping through my jacket to my skin. A flash of lightning lit up the dark sky and I stepped through the familiar gate in front of me. I slowed down a bit as i felt my black makeup smear and run down my cheeks, not because of the rain but because of the salty tears that i just couldnt hold back. There in front of me was a tiny gravestone, too tiny, i thought as i laid in front of it soaking wet and talked to my daddy<3

03:44 pm: 10

The leaves were orange and yellow and they crunched under my bare feet. The wind swept my hair in my mouth and eyes but I tried so hard to look good for you. You stood about 20 ft away in front of a big brown oak tree with your arms crossed and a smirk on your face as you saw me coming. I began walking faster until I felt your arms encircle my waist and pull me upon your chest. As we crumbled to the ground I saw that look in those warm brown eyes, you loved me like i'd hoped for so long. "Youre like a dream, a beautiful dream." you whispered in my ear. Then we smiled so big I felt my face scrunch up. Your smile awoke another part of me, a part I hadnt known existed. My heart felt whole for once and I clung to your body as if my life depended on it. And I knew it did. From then on I couldnt be away from you. Your voice was ever whispering in my ears, just as your lips were always stinging mine with your sweet kiss. And then i remember... Im locked away inside a noisy room and im crying and screaming and wishing for the autumn breeze and your embrace. But im fantasizing and ive never felt your arms around me. You barely know my name. But maybe, just maybe you dream of my lips as i dream of yours. Maybe you wake up and touch your neck just to remember I never brushed my cheek against it. Maybe you awaken in the night and tug at the sheets you thought were my body. Or maybe you dont know. You might not know my secrret love for you. You might not know that I move my hair behind my ear to catch a glimpse of you. You dont know that i hold the sound of your quiet laugh in the depths of my soul. You dont know that every second youre in my mind. Every second youre holding me too close and I love you, oh i love you more than the air.<3

03:43 pm: 9

The rain was a waterfall. I ran and ran until I finally stopped and looked around. Surrounding me were black trees and as they swayed in the wind they made a winter song. I wanted to stay there in the rain forever. My wet hair blew in the clean air and I felt you wrap your arms around me. i turned and your face lit up. "I love you" you said and I loved you too. We ran together then, our hair whipping our cheeks and the raindrops like needles on our cold wet arms. It felt so good to be free with you. We breathed in the damp air around us and were reborn.

03:43 pm: 8

As I stare into those bright green eyes, a part of me breaks and dies.
Im falling apart with every word you speak. Is it a new love you really seek? You say our life together must end.
Your face is filled with sadness but I know you pretend.
Then you walk away, whats done is done.
You really believe that you have won.
But the heartache you left in me is far too great, and my thoughts of you are filled with hate. I awaken in the night with a plan in store.
revenge is its name and youre done for.

03:43 pm: 7

Your hands touch my face as you kiss my lips,
they glide through my hair then move down to my hips.
Your warm body is all around me.
Your deep rapid breathing is so heavy it surrounds me.
You're inside every inch of my clothes, you tear them off, right down to my toes.
The moon is our only source of light, and I wish it to stay forever night.
Your body slams against my thighs, and the only noise is the sound of our sighs.
You kiss my neck as I begin to shake, It's so beautiful this love we make